Why do I want to be hugged & cared for?

Author: Kati Morton

Hey everybody. Happy Thursday! And let's get right into it. Today's question is a follow-up from a question I was asking on my Livestream on the 27th that I answered. And the reason that I'm bringing this question up is because it got a lot of chatter on the website. A lot of people said "I feel this way too, but I don't know what to do." And the question is "How do I get over the fantasy of being cuddled and hugged? I want to hug my therapist. I've hugged her a couple of times before and she's fine with it. But I want someone to take care of me; like my therapist, doctor, fictional character from a TV show, even some teacher.

How do I stop fantasizing about this? I never act on it, but I think about it all the time. And the truth of this is that it's not a quick fix. There isn't just this thing I can tell you like pew do this, and you'll feel better. But there are things that we can do in order to "fix this problem" or this thing that's bother us. And the truth about the want or need to be cuddled kind of goes back to an older video I did like eons ago, where it was like why do I get so attached to certain people? I'll put it here if I can find it. I'll link it here, and you can click there over there to watch it. But it comes from a struggle with attachment as a child.

That's usually where this, I'm sure there's not 100% If you have a different experience leave it in the comments. I would love to hear about it, so I can look into it more. And I will have a video coming out that, I've already filmed and it's just waiting to be edited, about attachment disorder. I'll get into that stuff more, but the need to be cuddled and wanting to be taken care of by someone. And then that intense need for affection usually comes from something that has happened or not happened in our childhood. And I say not happen because if we really just wanted our mom to be there cuddle us, love on us, rub our backs, tell us it's going to be okay. Or whoever that character, that main caretaker could be like father, grandpa, aunt, uncle, whoever. They weren't there in the way that we needed.

Maybe they weren't there at all. Or we could have you know had a trauma happen with one of our primary caretakers and Felt, you know, harmed by them and therefore it's not safe. Either way we're not getting the care that we need to create what we call in therapy the secure attachment. And that means that if mom leaves me in the in the daycare I cry at first, 'cause I'm like oh, oh mom, I'm going to miss her.

Why do I want to be hugged & cared for?

Why are you going? Come back. And then after a few minutes I'm like, Oh ball and I get distracted. I'm like Mom will come back. It'll be okay. She always comes back anyway. But those with insecure attachments may never be soothable. May cry continuously or may not respond at all to Mom.

Kids usually run when mom comes in, and they won't. And so that's in a nutshell, because I don't want this video to be too long. What attachments can look like.

And when we exhibit these symptoms as an adult or the teenager, when we just really want someone to care for us, be affectionate, love on us. That comes from the fact that we didn't get that in some way as a child. And so the way that we heal that is honestly doing some really deep work in therapy. But the good news is that it really really does get better. If we work in therapy to kind of heal that wound or understand where it came form and what we needed. Then we can find ways to soothe ourselves, take care of ourselves. That's actually a lot of the work.

Is us finding a way to soothe ourselves as adults and also getting in relationships that are healthy filled with regularly healthy boundaries. And understanding that we can rely on people a little bit, not completely all the time, 100% But then we can rely on ourselves to take care of ourselves. And it's kind of learning that balance can help fill that hole and that void that we needed as a child. And DBT therapy is also great for regulating the emotions, and the things you can come up with this. Because like the person said in this questions that I never act on it, but I think about it all the time.

I know a lot of people struggle to not act out on it. And so DBT can really help you regulate those feelings and help you just better manage those symptoms. But it does get better. Talk therapy, DBT are both great therapies and offer great tools to help, and also helping you manage new relationships as you get into them because in my experience people who struggle with this also struggle to not be in unhealthy relationships where there's no boundaries.

And it's really enmeshed. And then if there's a breakup, we feel like our world crumbling again. And that hole that we have been trying to heal is like torn, this, like the sutures are torn back open. And so talking through it, processing through what happened, knowing that it's okay to feel that way, finding ways you can soothe yourself, and finding healthy relationships that can help fill the needs that you have from other humans. Because it's very normal to want people to love and care for us. That's just part of the human condition, and so the sooner you kind of stop shaming yourself about it.

And knowing that it's okay, the faster it'll get better. So I hope that kind of helps. Like I said I'll have another video about attachment coming out, and that will give more insight to why this is the way that it is. But I hope you all found this helpful. I love you all, and I will see you on Monday.


Growing Up Brave

Hello, everyone and thank you for joining us for today's webinar about growing up brave. My name is Sarah Speltz and I'm an Assistant Director in the BU Alumni Relations Office.…

By: BU Alumni Association
On The Couch with Kati feat Mitchell Davis! Agoraphobia OCD & Panic Attacks…

Hey everybody, so Mitchell is here with me on my couch for part 2 of the video series. On the couch with Kati where you talk about stuff and have a good old time. I like that, I was…

By: Kati Morton
Why do I want to be hugged & cared for?

Hey everybody. Happy Thursday! And let's get right into it. Today's question is a follow-up from a question I was asking on my Livestream on the 27th that I answered. And the…

By: Kati Morton