Thoughts on Therapy | Weekly Smoke Sesh

By: Marvolo

Hey it's Marvolo and welcome back to my channel for another weekly smoke session. Right now I've got Mr. Mime and my nail in, and I'm going to go ahead and do a dab to get this smoke sesh started. Oh fuck, we don't have much dab left. Owwie my nipples.

Why are we talking about boobs so much on this fucking smoke sesh? Daaaaaab!? Okay so I don't really have my makeup done. I slept in my makeup. I know that's bad, but I did it anyways. And I usually don't, but I did it anyways. Anyways. Anyways.

And yeah, I haven't showered. I haven't brushed my hair. "I woke up like this" Except for that I woke up without a shirt on, so you know, I woke up and put a shirt on. And usually I wouldn't film without, you know, showering and getting ready, and doing all that shit. And usually I wouldn't film with my glasses on.

But today is a weird day. I'll come back to you guys later, probably looking more presentable, and showered and stuff, but right now, I am waiting for Cat to come pick me up to go to my first appointment with my psychiatrist. I know I've been talking to you guys a lot about my mental health and everything, so I just kind of wanted to keep you all in the loop today as to what is going on.

Thoughts on Therapy | Weekly Smoke Sesh

So I just wanted to check in with you now, and then I'll check back in with you after my session, but I have a bowl to smoke. And I know you all are going to complain about how filthy Dewgong is, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it is disgusting, I know. Maybe, maybe when I come back later, Dewgong will be clean. No promises.

Wrong lighter, this one is dead. I borrowed this lighter from my mom. She's the only person I know that even uses white lighters. I don't know if you all have heard about that. The curse of white lighters. They're bad luck, or whatever. I don't know, it's stupid, but it's a thing.

Anyways, my mom is the only one I know that actually buys white lighters. I don't like them because when you're a stoner and you use your lighter to you know, stamp out your bowl, uh yeah, it really shows up more on the white. I've told you guys I would give you my mental health story at some point, and I will talk about my mental illnesses, but I just don't know what format I should be doing that in.

And I guess by that I mean I have a lot of mental health problems, to the point where most people are like "there's no way you're diagnosed with all of that. It's like, well that's cool. You can say that.

I'm diagnosed with what I'm diagnosed with. And the length of the list, you know, some people just don't believe that people can have that many mental illnesses, and it's like ahh I wish, but that's not how it works. Same with disease, you know. Once you have one, you are more likely to have more. Or like disorders such as OCD often come with generalized anxiety. Or depression and anxiety are often present together, and you know, there are things that. Anyways I thought I'd just go ahead and list off all of the different mental health issues that I've been diagnosed with, because it's kind of a lot, and they all have their own story. And you guys can let me know if you'd rather hear individual stories of each one, or if I should just make a long ass video.

It would be like 20 to 30 minutes though, probably. If not longer, because there's a lot of story to get through, and I just don't know if I could condense it into something very short. I could try. I could leave stuff out I guess. But I like to be thorough. I have generalized anxiety, which is very severe. I have depression, which is severe.

OCD, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD in the past, but I think that's one of those things that some people don't have forever? I don't really know. I don't know, it's kind of hard in my own head to know what's what, when you have so many things. I just kind of call it anxiety. So yeah, severe anxiety, severe depression, PTSD maybe, I don't know if I still have that. I guess I'll find out today when I talk to my therapist a little bit more what exactly my diagnosis is.

I was recently diagnosed with panic disorder. I have obsessive compulsive disorder, and borderline personality disorder. See I thought I had social anxiety, and I previously had been diagnosed with social anxiety, but I think that now my...I think that my current care team has come to the conclusion that I don't have social anxiety, I have panic disorder, and it's causing social anxiety, so if we treat the panic disorder, the social anxiety might just go away altogether.

That would be really cool. But all day today, my skin has been feeling just like it was crawling with anxiety.My heart rate has been fast like I'm on the edge of a panic attack. And when Cat woke me up, because I was supposed to go to an orientation at my therapist's office this morning before my session, uh, yeah, I don't know. I just started freaking out and getting really anxious and I, I don't know. I couldn't...there was no way. She woke me up like ten minutes before I was supposed to leave for therapy. That doesn't work.

I might still have to go to an orientation sometime next week, but I mean I'm going to therapy, so hooray. It's just really scary, thinking about opening up to a new person. People say things will get worse before they get better, and I feel like that's always true for therapy.

Talking about my issues and bringing things up to the surface you know, it makes my anxiety worse. It makes my obsessive compulsive diso- it makes...intensifies the severity of all of my various mental health conditions. And yeah, I've been using weed for a long time to help cope with a lot of my mental health issues, and it's not always the best things to do, because you know, weed can be good. Marijuana can be helpful to help ease your symptoms. But you should always treat the underlying cause instead of just suppressing your symptoms. With any sort of an illness, with really anything, you know, you don't want to treat the symptoms, you want to treat the cause.

And so I guess that's what I'm doing with therapy. Someone had asked me at my therapist's office if I would be open to stopping smoking marijuana. And I was just like...no. But they asked if I'd be willing to smoke less. I mean maybe. Less would be okay, but like...I don't know, that sounds really scary.

I can't imagine it. Ahh. Okay, I'm back, and with a slightly cleaner Dewgong. I'm obviously in a different place right now. I am in my mom's bedroom. But hopefully you guys won't mind.

I might film a couple videos in here while my mom is out of town. And if I'm looking a little pink, I think it's just the lighting in here being different. And also, I may have gotten sunburned.

I have Green Crack loaded in Dewgong. As you can see, it's not perfectly clean, but much cleaner. And I'll go ahead and get this hit going so that I can tell you a little bit about how therapy went. That wasn't a very good hit. Also it tasted minty because after I run alcohol and stuff through my bong, I like to put some mouth wash through it just to get rid of the overly alcohol-y taste. So I was going to sit down and talk to you guys and smoke after I got done with therapy, but I ended up being physically and emotionally exhausted, and getting home pretty wait. Late. Not wait.

Late. And being a little low on weed. There we go. But I've restocked with some more Green Crack, and yeah, so things are going alright I guess.

I met my psychiatrist for the first time, and it was just really weird. He asked me a whole bunch of questions that I've been asked before and I felt like he was pushing things that I don't identify with on me, but it's okay. After a while, we seemed to get an understanding going.

He's trying to get me set up with a primary care provider. Wow I look so tan in this lighting. I don't know what the frack is wrong.

I'll take it. But he seems like a smart guy but it's just a little awkward to sit there and say things and have someone sitting there typing, and I don't know. It's just so different from any other sort of therapy I've had before. I guess he's not going to be the main person I do talk therapy with. He's just mostly going to be directing my care. He wants me to start a DBT class. They want me to get some blood work done, and he's going to be doing some research, just to make sure different prescriptions he wants to start me on won't be interacting with my Crohn's medications.

He also seemed a little bit anti-marijuana, and a bit quick to try to blame all of my problems on weed. Which, it's like, that could be fair, if I had smoked weed non-stop through all my problems, but you know, it's a long story, and he's only met me for about 90 minutes so far, so it's going to take a while for him to really understand my story. Unfortunately my psychiatrist is going on a vacation now, so I won't be able to see him again until September. So yeah, I just kind of change nothing, do nothing.

Wooooh. Real exciting. OH my god, it's supposed to be like a 104 degrees tomorrow, which is the hottest it's been all summer. And that's just ridiculous. It's too much for me. Today it was like 95 degrees, and that was too much for me. I went out, and I had to walk a mile to get to the bus stop, which sucks really bad. Ride the bus, not so bad.

Ride another bus, not so bad. Get in a car, not so bad. But then I did a shoot outside.

Very sweaty, just smoking weed. Luckily as the sun sat. Sun sat? As the sun was setting....uhm, it cooled down quite a bit. Is that technically correct? The sun sat. I don't know, but that made me laugh. The sun squatted down behind the horizon. I don't know why that amused me so much. Oh my god, my wisdom tooth has been killing me this week.

I haven't had any of my wisdom teeth removed, and the fourth of four is growing in right now, and it's getting to be pretty painful, but I can push through it. I'm really happy to finally be in therapy, but it's really hard because it feels like opening up to someone, you kind of make backward progress before you make forward progress. I've done a couple shoots this week.

I'm hoping to do some more shoots soon. What I just did today were some shots smoking out of just a smaller bubbler actually. And they were for a weed calendar. Different models for each month, I'm supposing. So if you guys are interested in that, I will definitely keep you updated as to when it's coming out. But that was really cool to shoot for today, and yeah, I've got some other cool projects in the works right now.

Wow I'm looking very red. I think I probably did get a bit sunburnt. So what it's sounding like I'm going to be put on is a higher dose of my antidepressant. Potentially they want me to smoke less marijuana. Cognitive behavioral therapy.

Dialectical behavioral therapy. And they were thinking about mood stabilizers, but that doesn't make sense, because I don't have any sort of a mood disorder. So I think they've ruled that out. But I'm probably going to be put on some sort of a...but I'm probably going to have my antidepressant switched or add something for my anxiety into the mix, particularly for my panic disorder. The trouble will just be finding something that works, because a lot of anti-anxiety medications that I've tried in the past just increase my panic attacks. I'll also have to be doing more research myself on the interaction between marijuana and anti-anxiety drugs such as Xanax, and Valium, and Ativan and whatever else I might be forgetting. I know that marijuana does not interact with sedation. Any sort of sedative drugs, in my experience, and I've had a lot of experience, from Versed to having just full anaesthesia, being fully out for abdominal surgery.

Any surgery I've had, I have smoked marijuana within less than probably 4 hours of the procedure. So I know that marijuana does not interfere with any of those big drugs that they're putting you out and under with. So I think that if versed and even higher drugs that really put you out...if those don't have any interference with marijuana, I'm not sure that things like Xanax really would either, but I don't know.

I'll have to do my own research, and I guess trial and error for me is something that I'm willing to go through right now. Sometimes in the past, when my self harm and suicide intent were way higher than they are right now, it would be way too risky to be trying out new medications. But because I have a pretty good hold on those things right now, I can sort of let my doctor try things out, and see what works and what doesn't work, because I'm...while my anxiety and depression are really bad, I'm not like a danger to myself or anyone else...so..

And as long as I'm allowed to have weed, I think I'll be okay. I know this video is probably a lot less exciting than last week at the waterfall, but uh well, Cat is off of vacation, it's back to real life, and it kind of sucks. But I'm hopeful. I'm finally getting treatment. For the first time ever.

I'm working with a psychiatrist, and like a whole team for my mental health. I've got several doctors and just, I've built a really nice...I've built a great medical team for both my mental and physical health, and it looks like going forward, I will be having better care. And that makes me very excited and hopeful, and that is something I haven't had in a while, so it's pretty nice. For anyone else out there that might be experiencing mental health issues, you know, the most important thing is to establish care.

Just get someone that is going to be able to help you, and things won't be better right away. But just making those steps, sometimes when you're really depressed, following those steps of what you know you need to do, even if you're not feeling better yet, just forcing yourself to do those steps is what helps. And I've experienced that before through therapy, but it doesn't necessarily make it easy to do it again. Alright, this bowl is just about dead, and I'm ready to get to bed. So that's going to be it for this smoke session.

Thank you for smoking along with me, if you do smoke. If you liked this video, please give it a thumbs up. And let me know down in the comments if you have any suggestions for future smoke sesh topics.

If you aren't already, don't forget to subscribe to my channel so you can stay updated for the next time I make a video. I love you guys and I will see you again soon.

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