DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for you destroying your ears and don't go chasing after phantom earwax that doesn't actually exist. Thank you! Without realising it I've been almost deaf for months- if not even longer. Since about the age of 18 I've had to go to the doctor's to get my ears syringed.
Nobody seems to give me a decent explanation about why it happens to me. I mean, I clean my ears regularly and stuff like that, but it still happens to me. And when I openly talk about it, I'm surprised by the number of people who also get their ears syringed. It's like a cult or something. Any way, I noticed about 6 months ago that I couldn't hear as clearly from my right ear.
It was getting odd, I couldn't hear rustling sounds and the sound of water on my head in the shower was strangely loud, as if the sound was travelling through my skull really efficiently. And then, the other week, my other ear got completely blocked. Oh dear. Now, my handicapped ear had become my strong one and I spent about a week wandering about in a dizzy, confused state trolling everybody by asking them to repeat everything. I wasn't popular. You know tinnitus? That annoying, loud ringing sound? It's probably because you've messed up your ears from too many nightclubs.
But if it's come on suddenly or is louder than normal, it could be earwax! I don't know how. But it was for me. That's when I took matters into my own hands. I got a home ear syringing kit.
It's super easy to use- here's a demonstration. Yes, it looks as though it could totally obliterate your ear and yet I haven't found any cases of it. I'll cut to the chase- I was there for hours doing it since I hadn't softened it up with olive oil before-hand.
But the experience was addictive. You know when you squeeze a good spot, the sort that makes an audible SPLAT sound when it hits the mirror? Yeah, imagine that times a hundred. It's important to get the technique right. You don't have to apply too much pressure but you must get the nozzle right into your ear for it to work. I'd syringe my ear and look into the sink to find hundreds of grains of ear wax, though most of them are so dark in colour they could be mistaken for flakes of dried up blood. Better out than in, right? But then occasionally larger bits would come.
Think wax-bogies. I can't even imagine how they formed in the first place, but take it from me, they exist. Occasionally, depending on how I was holding the syringe, I'd find them on my hand as well. Nice. But the best is the holy grail of ear-wax- a true indiana-jones sized boulder that shouldn't even fit in your ear in the first place. The legends are true- I read account after account on review sites mentioning these mythical blobs of goo but nothing could prepare me for encountering one myself.
I syringed as normal, then I heard a crack as if my ear drum had exploded and then it went cold as if the water was INVADING MY BRAIN. It sounded louder than anything I had ever heard before, but that's probably only because it's the first time I had heard things properly for MONTHS. The next thing I remember was waking up in a pool of blood. Wait, that's another story... The next thing I remember was hearing the water gushing out of my ear to reveal clear, refined versions of sounds that were previously muffled in comparison.
Imagine how Sean Connery must have felt when he had the cleansing power of the grail on his gunshot wound. I marvelled at the echoes of the water bouncing about the room and the cool, refreshing feeling in my ear where air hadn't reached for months. And then I looked down into the sink and saw an earwax boulder staring up at me.
I guess that this is how giving birth must feel. It was amazing. I had been at it for hours. My thumbs were visibly bruised from handling the plastic syringe. My ears previously ached from the pressure but now all had gone.
My eardrums may have been wet but I could hear things with a clarity like never before. Or at least, not since they were clear last, whenever that was. I find it hard to remember. And... That's a nice place to stop. I'll save my findings for the 50th diary entry.
I bet you can't wait!.
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